Thursday, October 13, 2011

"Work Smarter, Not Harder"

So since moving in, we've had to downsize considerably (only two closets in the whole apartment), but it really has been great. Nothing like waking up and watching The Tonight Show clips and eating gummi bears for breakfast, well that was just today, but still. So I have interview. Yeah. I'm excited, and not. It's a job, so I'll do it. The shift is graveyard, 3-9am, but that kind of fits me. I just won't be able to see the boy as much :(  I'm hoping something library related opens up, hint hint perhaps the NCCC library that I can see out my window.... but in the meanwhile, it would be nice to pay my own rent, perhaps put something aside.
I'm really glad I deleted facebook, it's kind of like an addictive substance for me, since I am so dependent on peoples reactions and what they think of me. The issue I had with facebook, is that I cared to much. When two people (whom I thought were friends), who still go to Keene, deleted me, one blocked me, and the other blocked me when I messaged her asking what I did and saying that I was sorry for whatever "it" was, I was really upset. I cried for a month, started sleeping till 6pm, and barely got out of bed, let alone the apt. This all sounds ridiculous, and overly dramatic, which it was, but I couldn't help it. As usual, I put too much stock in my friendships. With the majority of people on that stupid social networking site, when I added them as a friend, I meant it. I am not a fair-weather friend. I will literally do whatever it takes to make things alright, and to be there for them. To the few who appreciate it, mainly a suite mate of mine from Keene, I have formed incredible friendships, ones that I can see having all of my life, and am incredibly grateful for.
I mean, in the end, this really is my own fault, because I walked right through the warning signs, and as always, the only person hurt is me. And yes, perhaps they were "cleaning house", but is it so damn hard to admit it? Here I am thinking I did something wrong, and wanting to change it. I always want to learn, and grow, and if I make mistakes, I try not to repeat them, as a good friend has said to me, "Work smarter, not harder".
That's why I acknowledge that facebook is a poisonous environment for someone like me, because I don't do this pretend stuff. I have tried, I try to keep up and be mean girl, but I suck at it. I have too many other issues to deal with. I wear my heart on my sleeve, it gets me in trouble, it pushes people away from me, but it's who I am, and not only am I okay with it, I love that part about me. I'm not afraid to hash it out for the better, I can fight, and in the end, if need be, I can throw out psychological punches faster and better than most, because it's what I've been trained to do (I didn't spend three torturous years in boarding school doing nothing). We're all bad guys, we're all good guys, we're all human, and we screw up constantly. As I grow up, and since I've left college, all I've done with my life, is throw off the mask, and unscrew the social norms that have been placed all over me. I'm me again, or closer to me than I've ever been. And I'm happier by the day.

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